Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
