I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
