I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
