how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
