Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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