Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
