I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
