Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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