The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
