I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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