She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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