I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
