just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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