I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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