Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
