I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
