There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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