In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
