The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
This house was built for laser tag.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
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