I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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