The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
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I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
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