Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
