I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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