My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
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She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
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I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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