I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
