Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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