I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
