if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
