oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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