im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
