Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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