i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
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