For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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