Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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