Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
The best revenge is premature balding
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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