hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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