well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
