Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
