i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
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Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
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Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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