This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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