I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
