About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
