I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
