mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
