I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Man, jail baloney is awful.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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