Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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