"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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