we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
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