Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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