my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I love having hate sex.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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