if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
