he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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