What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
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do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
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I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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