I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.