One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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