I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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