I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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