don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
