You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
